Does sustaining a strong long-term relationship require subordinating one's own selfishness?

Cliff Obrecht · Jan 27, 2023 · hedged

There is no secret to a successful marriage — like anything it's a permanent work in progress, and being genuinely best friends matters more than anything else

Even after eighteen years together they still have heated debates and challenging moments

Scope: he says he doesn't know if a secret exists

39:29 20VC: Canva Co-Founder, Cliff Obrecht on The Journey From 100 VC Rejections to a $40BN Company, Why Good Enough is Not Good Enough, The Secret to Hiring Non-Obvious Talent and Relationships to Money and Why They Are Giving Away Billions

Sam Corcos · Dec 11, 2023

Deliberate routines — a scheduled weekly date night, scheduled family priorities, a running document of logistics and unresolved arguments — are essential to preserving a marriage after kids

Once empty space no longer fills itself with time for each other, you have to manufacture that time

52:16 20VC: Why Founders Should Take as Many VC Meetings as Possible, Should Founders Meet Associates, How to Get Intros to the Best VCs, How To Extract the Most Value From Your Investors, Why Post IPO Operators Are the Best Angels with Sam Corcos @ Levels

Kevin Ryan · Apr 10, 2024

A happy marriage rests on putting in the time and commitment, friendship at the core, and a shared purpose such as raising children.

Drawn from thirty-two years of his own marriage and raising three kids.

Scope: acknowledges luck played a part

54:47 20VC: Are the Best CEOs the Best Fundraisers, Are the Best Founders Insiders or Outsiders to a Problem, Why Ownership Should Not Be a Focus in VC & The Biggest Lessons Scaling MongoDB to $26BN Market Cap with Kevin Ryan, Founder @ AlleyCorp

Des Traynor · Jul 18, 2022

Parenting and leadership demand the same core skill: caring about outcomes you don't feel yourself, on feedback loops measured in years rather than days

With a kid, unlike with your own diet, the consequences aren't in your body and only show up over five years — the same as trying to align a team whose payoff and understanding arrive much later

47:48 20VC: Why Being First Does Not Matter, Why Defensibility on Day 1 Does Not Exist, Three Core Elements To Move into Enterprise Effectively and What Makes Truly Great Product Marketing Today with Des Traynor, Co-Founder @ Intercom

Matt Clifford · Jul 1, 2024

Fatherhood is an exercise in humility and is genuinely hard, because there are no shortcuts — you have to invest in the relationship exactly as you would a friendship, and the returns compound only later.

Founders get somewhat unearned deference at work; children give none, and early on they are less fun than friends, so the investment has to be made without immediate reward.

Scope: speaking from experience with two young sons

55:57 20VC: LLMs Are Reaching a Stage of Diminishing Returns: What is the Next S Curve | The Bull & Bear Case for China's Ability to Challenge the US' AI Capabilities | How AI Changes the Future of War & How Agents Will Reshape Society with Matt Clifford @ EF

Roger Ehrenberg · Feb 19, 2024

You should never frame a disagreement with your spouse as winning or losing; treating not winning an argument as weakness is exactly backwards

When he was younger he felt that losing an argument he knew he was right about made him a pushover, and he came to realize the opposite is true — the win/lose frame is simply the wrong frame for a partnership

Scope: disagreement and fighting are fine, but fight fair

59:31 20VC: Why VC Returns Will Get Worse, Why LP Incentive Structures are so Broken, What is the Answer to Liquidity with No M&A or IPOs, When to Sell vs Hold Your Winners & Turning $5M into $250M with The Trade Desk | Roger Ehrenberg, Eberg Capital

Elias Torres · Mar 21, 2025

Sustaining a long marriage is about defeating your own selfishness rather than being right

He is right all the time at work but not at home; the relationship isn't about you

51:33 20VC: Selling Drift for $1.2BN is the Biggest Failure: What No One Tells You About Selling Your Company | Why Incumbents Are Slower & Worse Than Ever | Why the Most Valuable Companies in a World of AI Will Not Have More Than 100 People with Elias Torres

Jason Fried · Jan 6, 2023

Positive surprise — doing things the other person wouldn't expect you to do — is one of the most valuable things in a relationship

It is unexpected and therefore special; e.g. taking the kids for a weekend when he could tell his wife needed it without being asked

30:21 Unexpected positive surprise sustains a relationship

Dharmesh Shah · Jun 13, 2022

A lasting marriage rests on genuinely enjoying each other's company plus mutual admiration and respect, rather than on 'love'

Admiration and respect are far easier to define and identify than love, and complementary strengths let the pair function as a good team

7:03 Mutual admiration and respect not romantic love sustains a lasting marriage

Tobi Lütke · Apr 3, 2023 · hedged

What sustains a great marriage is having common projects while keeping somewhat separate lives and remaining deeply curious about each other

Separate interests mean each partner brings back new enthusiasms; mutual curiosity is what has sustained them

30:53 Common projects plus separate lives and mutual curiosity sustain a marriage

Chris Sacca · Oct 11, 2021

Marriages that work are ones where both partners are growing in some self-defining pursuit, and the early child-rearing years are a choke point because one spouse advances a career while the other only takes care of kids

That was the common pattern across the couples they interviewed; growth need not be by traditional business measures — artistic, philanthropic or athletic counts

14:52 Mutual self defining growth sustains marriage though early parenting years create a growth imbalance risk

Elias Torres · Mar 21, 2025

You get far more pleasure from having others around you than from optimizing for yourself, so life has to be somewhat less about you

Humans are selfish beings, but the payoff from others — e.g. changing plans to take his kids to Egypt — is greater

52:08 Pleasure from others exceeds self optimization despite innate selfishness

Adam Fisher · Jan 22, 2024

What you should look for is a company that is ahead of the curve in how it thinks and builds, not just in its market — which means the vocabulary to describe it won't exist yet

When they invested in Wix it didn't fit the strict definition of SaaS and PLG hadn't been invented; the signal was seeing something he'd never seen before, like spending $50,000 on a three-letter URL and doing guerrilla online marketing in 2006, which implied they'd keep doing surprising things

45:05 Company defies existing vocabulary and categories signals it is ahead of the curve